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Saturday, October 17, 2009

My Dysfunctional Relationship with People, Food and Dolphins Part 2

As I was saying, I decided to begin eating healthier and so I incorporated vegetables as my lunch. These were no ordinary vegetables. No. These veggies seemed to come straight out of a horror movie. Perhaps it was because I watched "Fear Tactics" with my Mother in law for several hours. My favorite one, by the way, was the un -conjoined twins. (Oh I just lost it when that midget jumped out of the dog kennel yelling "i'm hungry".) I'm not sure. I just know that there was something spooky about this new leaf that I was turning. I started out having to descend the steps of our dark, creepy basement. It is known as "the men's domain". In my mind, I am not allowed down there much without good reason. When I enter, I hear "yes?" as if he is saying "please state your purpose for entering my domain". Truth be told, its not really that I'm not allowed down there, its more that I can't stand the disorder and mess. Its often so disorganized and dusty that it makes me nervous. And so, I crossed the creepy basement over to a box of dirt that a seemingly nice church lady had given me. Inside this box of dirt, were the buried bodies of mammoth carrots and yes, even a few ugly giant beet looking creatures. I carefully placed them into a bowel and ascended the steps. Feely things and dirt grossed me out, but I forced myself to be brave. Even a spider jumped off of them into the sink where I was attempting to baptise or purify off the dirt. It may have been an omen, I'm not sure. The children were not the least bit sympathetic. Neither was my husband, who, has forbidden me from serving him beets in any type of food dish.
As I cut the beet creature, It reminded me of some type of organ. The colors inside it were very disturbing. Even more disturbing was that it turned everything it touched a bloody red color. I am telling you, if vegetables could try out for a part in a horror flick, a beet would win the part hands down! It even turned the carrots an unearthly red color. Yes, the vegetable is surely a frightening sight. My only comfort was that despite its odd color, uncanny need to hemorrhage and creepy designs and feelers, it does taste a little bit sweet.
After eating brownies and vegetables that day, I was getting hungry, so I decided to make myself some nachos. Wouldn't you know it, but honest to Pete, I got the plate too close to the broiler and my chips caught on fire! It was a very alarming end to the day.
Today, I have again submitted myself to eating beets and carrots. My children are beginning to question my sanity where taste is concerned. They have, however, eaten all the carrot sticks that I've been putting out on the table. This gives me some hope that I am doing something right.

My dysfunctional relationship with dolphins began with my new friend "Skippy Jon Jenn", who has renamed herself "The Dolphin Goddess". As a little girl, her dream was to swim with dolphins. A couple of weeks ago, we spent the afternoon together and she divulged this bit of personal trivia to me. Since then, every time I have walked into a store, I've seemed drawn to the dolphin memorabilia. Its never some nice dolphin ware. Its always some cheap China dolphin figurine, wind chime or other such junk. At first I thought it was a coincidence. "Wow, there's a dolphin clock!" I should buy that for my new friend. Then I thought better of it. The more I shopped, the more dolphin wares seemed to eerily call to me. Suddenly, I began noticing that every aisle contained some kind of dolphin. They began happily barking "buy me buy me buy me"! Store after store, day after day, the same creepy phenomena occurred. It is as if dolphins are out to get me! Selah. Have you ever had a friend who liked some such thing? Did you think "oh i bet Sally would just love that!" The next thing you knew, suddenly Chinese dollar items began to haunt your subconsciousness? Somebody, tell me I am not alone in this new paranoia? Ok, so I'm being a bit of a drama queen about it..... or am i? Perhaps this is some type of conspiracy. Who's to guess? Whatever the reason, there is something sinister about the whole thing. I'm telling you, its fishy. Dolphins are out to get me, or at least I am currently suffering a dysfunctional relationship with them!


Wendy said...

Step away from the vegetables! No good can come from mixing with that sort! Pure evil, I tell ya.

Heather said...

What a cute profile pic Wendy has!

Okay, you just cracked me up when you said you put the buried bodies of carrots into a bowel! You meant bowl, I'm sure, but using the name of a body part that could have creepy connotations was quite effective. In any case, you made me laugh. :)

I went through the girls' clothes again today and have LOTS of clothes for Moonbeam for next summer. K said I should call you and tell you, "Don't buy any summer clothes for her! Because we have so much!" So there ya go.

Paula said...

Love your sense of humor... you're too funny. Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. I agree with Heather, your reference to bowel gave me a much needed laugh.

Have a great weekend

Molly @ Star Cottage said...

Hey Outdoor mom!
It's been a while since I've been by to visit, and boy I have missed your writings. You certainly have a knack for vivid visuals ;) You crack me up!
I am very proud of you for being diligent and trying to eat healthy. I am not very good @ self control so there has been much chocolate consumption going on.
However, I love love love beets. No Joke! I hope you are able to acquire a taste for them.
As for the dolfin thing. I totally hear ya! My friend has a thing for flamingos and so does my daughter, and I seem to be sucked into the same thing. But I am determined not to clutter up my house or my friends house with more knick nacks to dust around. I think a good idea for us both, would be to snap pictures of these hilarious objects when we see them, and share them with our friends over some coffee and a giggle. Saving money and not cluttering up the house.
Blessings, Molly

Becky said...

I was creeped out by the use of the word "bowel". Putting vegetables in a bowel is a scary story. Especially to someone that has had a colostomy (don't think about it too much). On top of that, a few weeks after I had my colostomy reversed my doctor told me to start eating high fiber. I went home and ate a "bowl" of steamed veggies for lunch. That night I got an ileus. In ER they gave me a lovely nasogastric tube. It was very creepy watching broccoli coming out of my nose.

Blessings each day said...

Another cute tale enhanced by some dramatic effects that you do so well!

I do love beets but I am pretty lonely in my family, new and old, in liking this veggie.

blessings and hugs,