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Thursday, January 12, 2012

Bless Our "Hom" and Other Stories From My Life

Last night, I had an "enlightening" experience. It was pitch black out and I had just gotten done with multiple chores in town including getting The Archer into the passport people, The Sock Fashion Expert to her guitar lesson, various chores for my husband including picking up a bunch of long metal bars from a machinery shop and of course, and as always, groceries. After driving the icy, single lane, hour and a half trip back and braving the unguarded ravines, we arrived at the "top of our road" where it is necessary to switch vehicles to the "chained truck". It was pitch black out and BITTER COLD. We were trying to get all the groceries loaded into the back of the other truck. Us girls climbed into the back of the first truck and handed down all the supplies for the boys to load into the other. Just when I thought we'd pulled off the mission flawlessly and I was headed to the drivers side of "chained truck",


Light came in the form of stars. When I could see again, I discovered I'd run into the bars of metal sticking out from the back of the truck.
Still seeing a few stars floating around accompanied by sudden pain, I tried driving home. The boys were in the back of the truck while Miss Moonbeam, Sock Fashion Expert and "Deb" the guitar rode shotgun. I had a bad feeling about trying to make it up my hill, particularly because I still couldn't see straight and the thought of my boys in the back sickened me. I told the Archer he had the final honor of our steep driveway. Ice coated the climb, but I knew Archer was the superior 4WDer. I got out and started walking. I watched him make it up half way and then loose control. Though the pain in my head hurt, nothing wrenched my guts like watching him fall backward down that ice chute with my 8 year old in the back of the truck. I yelled through the bitter icy darkness for Catman to get out, though he didn't need my coaxing. The icy semi-controlled ride down backwards was enough to make him want to walk up. I remembered just a winter or two ago, right down here, a lion had buried a deer and returned to eat it many many times. Since then, none of us have relished climbing our hill in the dark.
The sound of the truck barrelling up the driveway jogged my memory from the lion, and I scaled the icy bank to avoid Archer on his mission. This is why I wanted so desperately to find a house near town. Pitch black nights like these on icy hills with my babies in danger. These hardships haunt me. Backward Archer slid again, flying with groceries and children down into the depths of darkness. I yelled below to Super Catman "he's coming stay out of the way!!" "I am I am" he assured me back. Thankfully Archer had the sense to park this time which prompted me back down. As I tried pulling the most perishable out of the back, fruit and vegetables fell out of a bag. I couldn't see anything, not even my hands in front of my face and had no idea what had fallen where. I felt around on the ground hating to waste what I'd just bought. Finally with arms full of groceries, I carefully inched up my way in the dark. Art Dog was coming down with a flashlight to help carry stuff up. Walking up ice in the dark is no easy matter either.
Finally in my dining room, I found myself way too wound up and looking for some way to relax from the horrors I'd just suffered. They were all too common in my life. My head throbbed and other circular reasoning began to creep all too familiarly in along with the pain. After the kids had made another trip up and down most of the perishable stuff was in. The bananas had turned brown in the cold and all but one tomato was crushed in the bag. It no longer mattered. Everybody was safe. My daugter started laughing. Up on the counter a wooden sign now read "Bless our Hom". Nobody knows what happened to the "e".
Miss Belly Fat AND The Brown Offenders
On Monday, we had our "girls accountability group" at Mists house. Since the majority of our girls crew has signed up to run "Bloomsday", I had the brilliant idea to meet early and go running. Four of us brave souls met in order that we could "train" together. Being the leader and only "veteran" of the run, I proudly answered any questions our troops had. On and on we ran effortlessly. Well, seemingly effortlessly. You see, I felt like crap. I don't know if it was the 4 miles Sock Fashion Expert dragged me on a day or two before or if it was just that I am not a morning person. Perhaps it was the girls stellar pace. For some reason I felt like I was dragging and we had only gone 1/2 mile. "This might not be pretty" I thought to myself. Obediently, my dog Libby, jogged beside me. Suddenly, she jolted to the left then right. She could see other dogs behind a fence and wanted off her leash. I fought to keep her in "heel" mode. "What a good dog you have" Sweet RoseMary" commented. She was our new recruit having only moved here this past year. I smiled, not having the energy to comment back. Soon we had reached our goal and I stopped "what now?" I asked, secretly feeling like vomiting. "We keep going" Mist informed nonchalantly running by me. I got back into the line up arguing with myself that I was indeed, capable. Then I remembered that all these girls are MUCH YOUNGER. "C'mon", Miss Belly Fat" moaned, "if we were 10-15 years younger like these girls, we could keep up - just give up and let them go". Miss Belly Fat always sounds plausible, but I can never listen to her no matter how good she sounds. On I plodded looking like an injured heifer amongst gazelles. Sweet RoseMary started laughing "your dog just shot poop at me" she informed me matter of factly. "I've never seen anything like that before". Sure enough, Miss Libby, knowing she was supposed to stay in step with me had shot out her load mid run. Perhaps she sensed my desperation in trying to keep up and was doing her best to slow my friend down. Sweet RoseMary dodged the doggie doo doo. Seconds later, a second deadly brown shot out at her again. Sweet RoseMary dodged again. Before long we were at the homecoming stretch and had reached a huge hill. "Is this as big as Doomsday Hill?" they wanted to know. "No", I proudly informed them. "Doomsday Hill is 10x that size". They all groaned. Soon we were running up it and I couldn't breathe. Libby started barking at the dogs behind the fence and I used the excuse to slow down. Now all the "Young Girls" were ahead of me and thinking I was having "dog problems". "Good Excuse" Miss Belly Fat reasoned. "Shut Up!!" I yelled back to my inner slob personality. "Now I have to catch up with them" I groaned back. "Why?" she said "You're older and rightfully slower". "Who needs enemies when I have her" I wondered. Libby and I plunged ahead not far behind.
After our Bible Study everybody wanted to hear more about "Bloomsday". The girls could hardly contain their excitement. Ominously Miss Belly Fat reminded me that this was only the beginning of the next several months. This fire started among my girlfriends would not easily be quenched. They were determined to run it with everything they had to offer and more, all of them wanting to impress their men. "Just think of what we will look like for swim suit season" I coaxed them. "Just think of how happy our men will be with our rock hard buns". "Stop it" Miss Belly Fat screamed!! "I wonder if they can hear her" I reasoned to myself. This pep talk was all the girls needed. Soon Elasta Woman was leading our entire Bible Study group in 200 combination Crunches and Fiery had escaped outside not wanting to witness this craziness. Rosemary's little boy crawled up between his mom and I saying "Poopie". A RANCID SMELL reached my nostrils. "I'm sorry" she panted between crunches. His bottom, the diapered offender was aimed in my direction. Now it wasn't just the crunches making me short of breath, it was the Dirty Diaper Offender. "Poopie" he said again trying to get his mom to stop her exercising. "Well I guess I won't feel so guilty about my dog shooting poop at her" I reasoned as I kept following Elasta Woman's moves. Miss Belly Fat was somehow drowned out in the terrible odor and I kept up...... well almost.


Mamma has spoken said...

WOW there are times that I think you live in an idealistic setting, then I read this. Be careful this winter. Hope you find a new home soon.

Amber said...

I feel like I'm reading a chapter in an adventure novel everytime I read your blog!

I do hope you are able to find a home that fits all your needs.

Take care!

Becky said...

Yes, I am know about the evils of "ice". Horrible! Last week on our way to church we hit black ice and slid about 500 ft. down a hill. Thankfully we did not hit the car in front of us who was also sliding. Then there was my lovely night time walk where I slipped on ice. So thankful I did not break any bones, but did get a nice big bruise on my hip. Finally it doesn't hurt to sleep on my side (PTL). At House on the Hill there we times we could not make it up the hill due to ice and had to lug our groceries up the hill. Thankfully at our new house we don't have that problem. Blessings to you and the gals with the running.