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Wednesday, March 9, 2011

peas in a pod and darkness

The girls asked to go to "baby jail" together. Not sure why.....

They were born just a couple of months apart. Its been fun watching them grow up together. A lota "love hate relationship" has gone on ;-)

Moonbeam is always excited to see her, but then quickly becomes perturbed - lol!!

"Mom get me outa here NOW before she kisses me - ewww!!!"

Too late.........
One day I found myself in a dark, walled cabin. There was no way out...... It was a living hell! I was paralyzed with fear and it clouded my judgment. The more I thrashed around, the bloodier my arms and legs became. The walls closed in on me and I thought I might suffocate. The darkness got darker and darker until I couldn't see my hands in front of my face. Years before that, darkness always came and went. I didn't know what it was. I just knew it was there. I didn't understand it, though I asked God to reveal it many many times. Then one day He did............ Soon after that it consumed me. I was in utter blackout. There was no way out. I began to think only death would separate me from it, but then I saw a glimpse of light. Here and there little cracks of light came through. The shadow lands held me tight, though. They consumed me, threatened me and overwhelmed me. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't focus. Without kinds words and loving prayers, it may have taken me for good, but God was faithful. Even though it still paralyzed me often, He lead me to the cracks of light. He showed me where to breathe to get the most oxygen. He quieted me so I wouldn't thrash and bleed. Then one day, He showed me the door. It was bolted, but in my mind, I could escape. The more I focused on the light, the more transparent the walls became until I saw that they could no longer hold me. Those walls still exist. They still seek to contain me daily. Many days I shake uncontrollably as the darkness falls. Many days I can feel the paralyzing, suffocating fear. Many days, the shadow lands pursue me, but I know the light. Had the darkness not fully enveloped me, I could never truly have broken free. I wouldn't have ever fully understood those long years of shadows behind me. God heard me in the shadows. He heard me in my prison too. He let me walk there for a time, so I would understand true freedom.............
Am I free? Its a matter of my choice. I chose to be. The shadow lands are only a step behind me most of the time. A wise woman told me "The only way to combat a lie is with the truth." She told me some other things that helped me. She said that "Learning to replace lies with the truth found in God's Word is the only way to rebuild a house that is sturdy enough to withstand the extreme pressures of life." She told me that "Hearing the truth is not, of course, always painless, but it brings us freedom." The wise woman showed me a way out, but it was one with a lot of pain, for every time I leave that dark place, I see a part of my heart laying there on the floor, dead. The cabin ripped my guts out. It really did. Some how, i can walk around in the light without them all. An invisible cautery stopped the bleeding. An invisible hand seems to keep my heart beating. It somehow keeps me going. But, sure enough, back there are my guts laying all over the floor. I don't know what the future holds, but I am alive for now. The light seems to pierce back that darkness and requires me to keep going............
"We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of the life shaped by Christ." - 2 Cor 10:5

Now that you have read from my dark side, I suppose we must find something to laugh about :-) I am really enjoying the new car my husband bought. Of course, its not new, but its new to us. Its fun to drive. Its low on gas mileage. Its black and kinda cool looking. Anyhow, I pulled it up to the gas pump that same day I was telling you about the beer/worm/fish story. After carrying my h'um package, to the car, and prepaying for gas, I got ready to put some gas in. I eyed the dash for the gas flipper thingy. Nothing. I looked around. Nothing. I looked back on the dash board. I looked back around everywhere. UGH! I got out and looked for a key spot. Nothing. I had already pre-paid for the gas. ARUGH! I was starting to get flustered. That gas station lady must think I have serious problems - first it takes me 20 minutes to buy beer. Then I can't figure out how to put gas in my car?!? "Breathe" I commanded myself. I looked over the dash again. I looked all around.
Time stopped. Here I am, the hospital supervisor.....the emergency room RN and I can't find the fricken gas flippy thing. I'm supposed to be smart enough to independently solve problems that arise, assist in complex medical procedures, calculate and give medications, and in general, be capable of saving lives and here I am unable to figure out how to get the gas thing open?!?! Pathetic. Just pathetic. I couldn't stand the thought of asking some passerby to help me find the gas thingy. Finally I got my cell phone out and phoned my dear husband. I was already cringing, with the idea I was going to get lovingly teased. While the phone rang I stepped out of the car, guiltily observing my "bag" in the back seat. I surveyed the scene rationally. That's when I finally saw it! On the outer side of the drivers side seat along the floor board was the gas flippy dealy. "What kind of moron designed that?!" I wondered to myself, relieved. My dear husband answered the phone. I considered breathing heavy and hanging up..... just kidding. We have caller id. Then I told him my tale of woe.......... He didn't tease me....too much ;-)


Mamma has spoken said...

You got a Toyota! I only know this because I have one too.

Romantisch Hotel Bruges said...

Wow Fun!! Hey Baby's u r very cute and lovely your family.i like your funny activities

Amber said...

I am glad you were able to make your way through such a rough time.
We all enjoy your posts of fun and living in the mountains!

oh, and you're not the only one who had to serch for the gas door.


I think the morons that design cars nowadays must be on drugs. I haven't bee able to work on my own vehicles since I sold my 1957 Chevy truck. Gas thingies can be a problem at times :-)

baili said...

the darkness was a test and light was a power of faith that you have in dear god ,

love to read your amazing life shads ,
enjoy the ride dear .god bless you and family

A Joyful Chaos said...

Love those precious photos!

The first time I fueled up a car I could not find the gas thingie at all. Finally someone helped locate it behind the flip down license plate on the back. Car designers can be real dorks.